I didn’t even realize it until reading over my last couple of blogs tonight, but I have a unique angle when I write. I tend to use multiple subjects which, at first, may seem rather random and unrelated. Then, toward the end of my rant, I attempt to bring everything together into one meaningful common element that, hopefully, makes more sense to my reader than the seemingly unrelated random babble I began with. In that spirit, I give you today’s random rant.
This morning I had an appointment with the physical therapist. The fuel gauge was well below empty so I made a quick stop at Maverick on the way. Walking into the store to pay for my recent purchase of an all too expensive petroleum product (gasoline, for the layman) I happened by the doughnut shelve. They had maple bars! Love maple bars! Hadn’t had one in ages. Now, I’m trying to lose a few pounds and am also trying to get into shape for a 5k run in March. The spirit is strong, but the flesh, oh so week and all too often uncooperative with the former. Often is the time I think “damn, it looks so good! Just one can’t hurt. I’ll start over tomorrow.”
Needless to say, I grabbed the maple bar. Here’s the next problem. Maple bars make me thirsty. Ahh, a diet coke would certainly be refreshing! Yep. Got that, too. Very tasty on-the-go snack. Off to therapy. Which lasted about an hour and a half. By this time, I’m thinking lunch. My sensible side is thinking, well, we have some tuna fish and bread and lettuce at home. I could make a sandwich and have a nice cold glass of milk. Yes sir. I COULD do that. But, uh, well, McDonalds is right there and, boy, a double quarter pounder with cheese just sound so good!! Any guesses what I had for lunch? “hello, Ronald!” says I to an old friend who happens to have bright orange curly hair and big ole clown shoes.
Last night, I had a dream that left me feeling rather hollow and empty. It started out with me and a very dear friend in a theater together. I can’t remember exactly if it was a movie, a play or what, but we were in a theater together. Having a great time. All of a sudden I turn for a moment. When I look back, my dear friend has become my ex-wife. Ex wife number 2. I have actually been seeing her in my dreams on a regular basis of late and I’m not sure why. But I digress. We are in a theater. By good friend, who just turned into my wife, oops, ex wife, and I are laughing. Holding hands. Smiling at one another. It was a happy moment.
Then we leave the theater. Arm in arm my best friend-turned former wife who apparently I am still with in the dream, and I. When I realize I left my jacket in the theater. I smile as I tell her I will return shortly to her side once it is retrieved.
Now, back in the theater. Just myself and a bunch of strangers. Oh, and an angry man with a gun threatening to kill people if any one try’s to get out. I had no choice for the good of myself and those strangers but to pull out my own gun (oh, ya. Now I have gun in my dream) and blow this a—holes head off. Which I do. And its a disturbingly graphic scene for a dream. That’s how it ends.
Any interpreters in my fan base of few out there?
Here’s what I have: Weather she deserves it or not, I believe a small part of me will always love that women I have tried so hard for so long to say I no longer give a damn about. Perhaps its the “lonely for too long” situation that’s causing these dreams which, as the marriage, always seem to end in tragedy. As for the friend who became the ex. I suppose there are a couple ways that could be interpreted. Perhaps I have allowed myself to care for her so deeply that, on some subconscious level, I expect her and maybe, everyone I care for to eventually hurt and abandon me. Just as ex wife no 2 did. Am I unworthy of the love and companionship of a good women? Who knows. Perhaps the answer will come to me in a dream.
For now, my weary, troubled, heart-sick soul will simply suffice with this. Perhaps it’s human nature. Perhaps, for some unknown reason, as human beings, we are just naturally drawn in some way toward things we may now very well are bad for us. Yet, for some damn reason appealing just the same. Weather it be doughnuts, diet coke, double cheeseburgers, or bad relationship choices. I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. I thought I had moved on. Maybe I was wrong.
Does that all tie in ok together? Can I tell a story or what?
