No obvious answers, just to many broken hearts!

I get the whole free-agency thing. For the most part, I believe free will is one of Gods most precious gifts to us as his children. But, I have to say, that I quite often wish that it had come with the stipulation that one's free will couldn't be exercised at the expense of someone else. And especially with children. As most of the nation has, I have spent the last few days in shock and disbelief at the recent tragedy in Connecticut where a deranged gunman viciously murdered 20 innocent children before cowardly taking his own life. About half way through my shift at work last night, after hearing more and more updated info on the attack through various avenues, I began to feel very gloomy. By the end of my twelve hour shift, I was in full blown depression mode. Watching one news program, I was especially impacted by a particular photo the showed of one of the victims. A sweet, beautiful little girl with blonde hair and blue eyes. I was just struck by how much I thought she looked like my own sweet daughter at the same age. I'll be honest. When something like this happens, when innocent children are involved, it tends to shake my faith. It's so easy to ask "why would a loving Father in Heaven allow such a horrible thing to happen?" It's so easy to feel angry. Twenty children won't be here Christmas morning to open their gifts. Twenty children will never graduate high school, college, get married, have their own babies and grow old. Such a tragedy. I know those children aren't suffering. TI honestly believe every one of them were greeted by a loving smile and embrace from a Father in Heaven who love us all in a way we will never comprehend. It's those left behind that suffer those losses. Left to wonder why. Left to wonder if it will ever make any sense. Those are the ones I grieve for. Over the course of the week, I have seen so much anger. And everybody wants, even needs, something or someone to blame. Shall we blame the politicians for not cracking down on gun control, making guns harder to obtain, or even outright illegal? Should we blame gun owners and activists themselves for insisting it's their right to have and bare arms? Personally, I hold the media largely responsible for sensationalizing the people who commit these horrendous acts, consequently giving these murderous nut jobs celebrity status. Do we blame God for "allowing" these things to happen? And if so, if we ban guns, should we not also ban free will? Anyone who knows me knows where I stand on the issue. I'm not going to rant on about my personal beliefs. All the arguing, debating and finger-pointing is of no importance. All that matters is twenty children are gone. The world will never know what they may have grown up to do or become. The potential greatness their sweet, innocent lives each held. That is the real tragedy.

My online journal. Pictures, smiles, and happy thoughts. (mostly)

So I've been reading a lot of blogs. Friends blogs. friends friends blogs. Strangers blogs. Lots of blogs. Why? Ideas, mostly, I suppose.

I discovered that, with most blogs, there were a couple of common denominators that I really liked that seem, mostly, absent from my own.

One of them is a funny, touching, or entertaining story. Everyday life kind of things. Observations. Inspired thoughts. Family moments. The blogs I enjoy reading are seldom negative. I really enjoy the ones that could make me smile, or offered a thought or story I could relate to. I think I would like to add more of that to my own. I would love my blogs to amuse. Entertain. Or inspire thought.

Second, pictures. A picture can tell a story all by itself, with or without written explanation. A mother reading to her child. A couple playfully smiling at on another. It just makes you feel good. Like you want to be a part of whatever they may have been experiencing when the photo was snapped. Not to mention, a picture will attract attention quicker than endless line after line of cold, hard, black and white letters.

So, ya. Pictures. I think I'd like to use more of those.

I've mentioned a couple time that I feel my posts often have a rather negative slant to them. I complain an awful lot, I think. Maybe with good reason or not. But sometimes I'll read back over my posts and think "Cry baby! Who wants to read this crap?"

So you may have noticed I changed the name of the blog to "Note to self" The idea being that rather than any specific theme or venting medium, I intend to make it sort of an online journal. My experiences. My thoughts. How something that happened on any given day made me feel.

Who knows what you'll get. I did say I'd like to lean more toward positive, entertaining, and amusing stories and I will. But as I said, it's going to be a journal of sorts, so occasionally, I will likely still express frustration, anger, sadness. Writing has always been an outlet for me and I feel, and have also been told, that I can express myself so much better with the written word than I can with spoken words. And, for now at least, to my knowledge, I really have only 2 readers? Or followers, anyway. Three at best. Not sure if my buddy Nate ever still checks in or not. And those of you who do read are friends and I want you to know what I'm thinking and feeling and, really just share my life with you.

Soo, there you have it. More happy thoughts. More picture. More me. Are you ready for this?

"Let virtue garnish thy thoughts" My baby steps to salvation

Blogger note:The following is an excerpt from a talk I gave in Sacrament meeting several weeks ago, entitled "Honor the priesthood and use it well." I thought it would make a great segue into the subject of today's post.

"...He (speaking of Elder Richard G Scott) then poses the question, "are your private, personal thoughts conductive to the guidance of the holy spirit, or would they benefit from a thorough House cleaning?" I think, brethren, speaking for myself, anyway, that that is a very profound question to consider. As an example, in the not so recent past, one of my shortcomings has been R rated movies...the church has never come out directly and specifically said "do not watch R rated movies..I figured it was a discretionary thing left to our own judgement. So, I didn't put much worry into weather or not it effected my personal worthiness as a priesthood holder...my mid has recently been called to understanding of potential dangers these movies can, and often do, possess. Including profane language, graphic violence, often very strong sexual content and nudity.All of these things can and will obviously cloud our hearts and minds, and certainly do nothing to invite the spirit and allow it to direct us in the proper exercise of our priesthood authority...I made the personal decision that I would simply not participate. Many months ago I was invited by a couple of friends to attend just one of these movies. I declined.I was mocked and at first embarrassed, thinking that perhaps I was taking it a bit too seriously. Soon after, while at the home of a family Bro. Kelly and I home teach together, the dear sister, not feeling well, asked us if we wouldn't mind standing in with her husband and give her a priesthood blessing. It was such an honor and privilege that she would ask, I couldn't help but feel grateful for my decision, and indeed, courage I needed to make it, of declining my friends invitation, as I know from bitter experience the terrible feeling of being asked for a blessing, and questioning your own frame of mind and worthiness to comply..So, I ask each of you, brethren, to consider Elder Scott's question. Are you truly worthy? What about that TV show you watched last week? The song on the car stereo that maybe had an inappropriate theme or bad language, but you turned it up instead of off cause it had a great beat. Or maybe that website you were on last night that you hope your wife doesn't find out about. Are your thoughts truly in tune with the spirit, or could they, as Elder Scott suggested, use a little house keeping?"

Wow. That's actually almost half the talk! Sorry. Didn't think I'd use that much of it but it seemed relevant. Point is, a while ago I made a personal decision to not watch R rated movies. For the reasons I discussed in this talk. Which, really can be simplified by saying, as simply and straight out as a friend of mine said when I talked to her about it..she said simply"I just don't like how they make me feel" Well said.

I thought this choice would be so much more difficult to stand by than it actually has been. Seem all the "good movies" have that rating. But I'm finding that isn't so. The past month or two, I have seen several very good shows that carried no higher than a PG-13. Seven Pounds. Valkyrie. (not as good as I expected, but it was good) Taken. And last night, Sera and I watched Marley and me. I was crying like a baby at the end!! Great shows. And while some still had some bad language and "inappropriate situations" they were very minor insignificant and small parts of the show. They weren't the underlying theme as they seem to be in many R rated movies, which seem to be sex, profanity, and violence for the sake of sex, profanity and violence.

One thing I've yet to do, that really seems to be the most challenging for me, is to get rid of the R rated movies I own! First, cause they are good movies, all in all, and also because of the financial interest I have. I PAID for them!! LOl. But I'll work up to it.

Point of all this, friends, is I am taking steps, albeit small steps, to improve myself. To grow closer to my Father in Heaven. And to feel better about myself. And to be worthy at all times in all places to hold this priesthood I consider myself so blessed to have.

Next week, I'll have the opportunity to stand in as a good friend confirms his son a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What an honor. How I love him and his wife, also a dear friend, for wanting me to participate. How heartbreaking if I had to say "thanks for asking. But I don't think I should."

I know some of you may find all of it a bit fanatical and "overly serious" but I do appreciate that you support my efforts, agreed to or not. I love you all. Thanks for standing by me, even when ya think I'm crazy! :)

Doughnuts, diet coke, double cheeseburgers, ex-wife’s and bad dreams.

I didn’t even realize it until reading over my last couple of blogs tonight, but I have a unique angle when I write. I tend to use multiple subjects which, at first, may seem rather random and unrelated.  Then, toward the end of my rant, I attempt to bring everything together into one meaningful common element that, hopefully, makes more sense to my reader than the seemingly unrelated random babble I began with. In that spirit,  I give you today’s random rant.

This morning I had an appointment with the physical therapist. The fuel gauge was well below empty so I made a quick stop at Maverick on the way. Walking into the store to pay for my recent purchase of an all too expensive petroleum product (gasoline, for the layman) I happened by the doughnut shelve. They had maple bars! Love maple bars! Hadn’t had one in ages. Now, I’m trying to lose a few pounds and am also trying to get into shape for a 5k run in March. The spirit is strong, but the flesh, oh so week and all too often uncooperative with the former. Often is the time I think “damn, it looks so good! Just one can’t hurt. I’ll start over tomorrow.”

Needless to say, I grabbed the maple bar. Here’s the next problem. Maple bars make me thirsty. Ahh, a diet coke would certainly be refreshing! Yep. Got that, too.  Very tasty on-the-go snack. Off to therapy. Which lasted about an hour and a half. By this time, I’m thinking lunch.  My sensible side is thinking, well, we have some tuna fish and bread and lettuce at home. I could make a sandwich and have a nice cold glass of milk. Yes sir. I COULD do that. But, uh, well, McDonalds is right there and, boy, a double quarter pounder with cheese just sound so good!! Any guesses what I had for lunch? “hello, Ronald!” says I to an old friend who happens to have bright orange curly hair and big ole clown shoes.

 

Last night, I had a dream that left me feeling rather hollow and empty. It started out with me and a very dear friend in a theater together. I can’t remember exactly if it was a movie, a play or what, but we were in a theater together. Having a great time.  All of a sudden I turn for a moment. When I look back, my dear friend has become my ex-wife. Ex wife number 2. I have actually been seeing her in my dreams on a regular basis of late and I’m not sure why. But I digress. We are in a theater. By good friend, who just turned into my wife, oops, ex wife, and I are laughing. Holding hands. Smiling at one another. It was a happy moment.

Then we leave the theater. Arm in arm my best friend-turned former wife who apparently I am still with in the dream, and I. When I realize I left my jacket in the theater. I smile as I tell her I will return shortly to her side once it is retrieved.

Now, back in the theater. Just myself and a bunch of strangers. Oh, and an angry man with a gun threatening to kill people if any one try’s to get out. I had no choice for the good of myself and those strangers but to pull out my own gun (oh, ya. Now I have gun in my dream) and blow this a—holes head off. Which I do. And its a disturbingly graphic scene for a dream. That’s how it ends.

Any interpreters in my fan base of few out there?

Here’s what I have: Weather she deserves it or not, I believe a small part of me will always love that women I have tried so hard for so long to say I no longer give a damn about.  Perhaps its the “lonely for too long” situation that’s causing these dreams which, as the marriage, always seem to end in tragedy. As for the friend who became the ex. I suppose there are a couple ways that could be interpreted. Perhaps I have allowed myself to care for her so deeply that, on some subconscious level, I expect her and maybe, everyone I care for to eventually hurt and abandon me. Just as ex wife no 2 did. Am I unworthy of the love and companionship of a good women?  Who knows. Perhaps the answer will come to me in a dream.

For now, my weary, troubled, heart-sick soul will simply suffice with this. Perhaps it’s human nature. Perhaps, for some unknown reason, as human beings, we are just naturally drawn in some way toward things we may now very well are bad for us. Yet, for some damn reason appealing just the same. Weather it be doughnuts, diet coke, double cheeseburgers, or bad relationship choices. I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. I thought I had moved on. Maybe I was wrong.

Does that all tie in ok together? Can I tell a story or what?

Blogg owner's note: This likely won't happen often. But today, I'm featuring a young guest blogger who I believe is an up and coming, bright new star. A fresh talent with fresh ideas and a fresh look at life. Ok, it's my daughter, Sera. But, hey, I think she's got talent. One of which is writing. Perhaps she will be as good as her old man one day! She felt badly that she couldn't give me anything for Christmas as she had limited funds and spent them on her young siblings. "All she could give me" she said, "was a poem". She wrote me a poem. An I was so touched I had to share with my readers. It was the best gift I believe I remember receiving, EVER! These are the little tokens we recieve every so often as parents, it makes everything, even the not so good times, so very worth the effort. Thanks, Sera. I love you!


MY ANGEL
By Serina Thomas
December 2008

He's always been there for me through the good times and the bad. He's
been there to comfort me when I'm feeling sad. Every day of my life for almost
15 years, he has been my hero, the one who quiets all my fears.

No matter what the day and no matter what the time, he is ready to stop what
he's doing and help me on a dime. He is my guardian angel, and is also my
best friend. There has never been a problem that my angel can't help mend.

There are songs I hear and movies I love too, and the ones I'm talking about remind me of him through and through.

I always have my angel and I hope I always will, he is the one I'll call to when I feel like nil.

And who is this angel, whe're I'm happy or I'm sad? My angel... My hero...


MY DAD

dedicated to daddy. Merry Christmas, I'll love you always
Serabear

Just a little further...

I have been training, though I have slacked lately and in need of rededicating myself, for a 5k run in Southern Utah in March to benefit and raise awareness of ALS.

As I said, I have slacked of late, blaming cold weather and lack of time. Just excuses. I need to, and intend to get back at it soon.

Anyhow, I digress. For several weeks, my goal was 1 mile. A far cry from the 3.1 miles I intend to run in March. But, still, you gotta start somewhere. So I mapped out a 1 mile route within my neighborhood and got to work.

The first 2 or 3 weeks of training were rough. It was frustrating because I just couldn't go as long or as far as I wanted. Typically, I would run a couple of blocks, walk a couple of blocks, run, walk, etc..

By the end of the month I had accomplished my first victory. I had run the entire mile without any rests or stop and go at all. Oh, I was so pleased with myself! It wasn't a great time, mind you, but I had made a giant step toward my ultimate goal. The 5k.

Another week or two, I had knocked several minutes off the time it took to run that mile. Several weeks after that, I mapped out a two mile course and started the process all over. Run a little. walk a little..you get the idea. A week or two later, I was able to run just over 2 miles!! Again, a small victory. But for me, a victory none the less.

And now I make my point. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do have one, thank you very much!

Weather a block, a mile or 2 miles or whatever, there was always one constant that I found interesting, but until just tonight, never fully appreciated the lesson that was being taught me.

The constant was this. No matter how far, how long or how fast I ran, I never, ever, ever felt more tired and more like giving in than when I was just a short distant from my "finish line". But I pushed myself that extra distance because I knew how close I was and how disappointed I would be in myself if I fell short, and how totally wonderful I knew I would feel if I just went on a little further.

My close friends know that I have been struggling for some time now with so many personal battles emotionally, physically, and mentally. Most of my battles are completely internal. Some even self inflicted.

Every once in a while, I will humble myself enough to submit to God. To actually tell him "I don't want to run any more, Lord. I can't see the finish line!"

And ever once in a while He lovingly embraces me and says in such a clear, comforting voice, "I can. You're so close. Just a little further.."

I am more and more convinced that so many of the struggles I am facing in my life are becoming more exhausting and difficult to face because the finish line is so close. Greatness is well within my reach. And my adversary does not want me to finish. To reach that goal. To cross that finish line and know that every single drop of sweat, every single tear shed, and there have been quite a few lately, and every sense of loss along the way was so worth it for the prize at the end.

I still have allot of race to run. I know it's not likely to get easier without allot more persistence and effort on my part. That's how we get stronger. I thank my Father in heaven for teaching me that lesson. Although at times I haven't been all to willing to heed. Stupid pride.

Thank you so much to all who have been running right beside me. Dear friends. You know who are. Pushing me on. Silently insisting "Just a little further.." You will never know the strength it has given me. And I love you for that. Greg

Greg's blog. Welcome.

Word's are a powerful thing. They can be a weapon or a tool. Wound or heal. Inflict pain or induce pleasure. Calm or enrage.

A fellow blogger and close friend suggested "Thomas Times" as a title for my blog. How very appropriate. My primary objective is to communicate my thoughts, feeling's, joys and gripes.

At time's my posting's will thoughtful. Sometimes humorous. Occasionally serious and reflective. Perhaps at time's even sarcastic or cynical.

I may share a funny personal experience. A political opinion. Often just random thoughts.

I hope to make my readers laugh. Think. Relate. While also realizing at times I may bore. Irritate, perhaps even offend. If so, I apologize in advance.

In summation, I'd like to share what makes me me via excerpts from my life. That's what this is all about. The "Thomas Times" The life and times of a man they call Greg.