"Let virtue garnish thy thoughts" My baby steps to salvation

Blogger note:The following is an excerpt from a talk I gave in Sacrament meeting several weeks ago, entitled "Honor the priesthood and use it well." I thought it would make a great segue into the subject of today's post.

"...He (speaking of Elder Richard G Scott) then poses the question, "are your private, personal thoughts conductive to the guidance of the holy spirit, or would they benefit from a thorough House cleaning?" I think, brethren, speaking for myself, anyway, that that is a very profound question to consider. As an example, in the not so recent past, one of my shortcomings has been R rated movies...the church has never come out directly and specifically said "do not watch R rated movies..I figured it was a discretionary thing left to our own judgement. So, I didn't put much worry into weather or not it effected my personal worthiness as a priesthood holder...my mid has recently been called to understanding of potential dangers these movies can, and often do, possess. Including profane language, graphic violence, often very strong sexual content and nudity.All of these things can and will obviously cloud our hearts and minds, and certainly do nothing to invite the spirit and allow it to direct us in the proper exercise of our priesthood authority...I made the personal decision that I would simply not participate. Many months ago I was invited by a couple of friends to attend just one of these movies. I declined.I was mocked and at first embarrassed, thinking that perhaps I was taking it a bit too seriously. Soon after, while at the home of a family Bro. Kelly and I home teach together, the dear sister, not feeling well, asked us if we wouldn't mind standing in with her husband and give her a priesthood blessing. It was such an honor and privilege that she would ask, I couldn't help but feel grateful for my decision, and indeed, courage I needed to make it, of declining my friends invitation, as I know from bitter experience the terrible feeling of being asked for a blessing, and questioning your own frame of mind and worthiness to comply..So, I ask each of you, brethren, to consider Elder Scott's question. Are you truly worthy? What about that TV show you watched last week? The song on the car stereo that maybe had an inappropriate theme or bad language, but you turned it up instead of off cause it had a great beat. Or maybe that website you were on last night that you hope your wife doesn't find out about. Are your thoughts truly in tune with the spirit, or could they, as Elder Scott suggested, use a little house keeping?"

Wow. That's actually almost half the talk! Sorry. Didn't think I'd use that much of it but it seemed relevant. Point is, a while ago I made a personal decision to not watch R rated movies. For the reasons I discussed in this talk. Which, really can be simplified by saying, as simply and straight out as a friend of mine said when I talked to her about it..she said simply"I just don't like how they make me feel" Well said.

I thought this choice would be so much more difficult to stand by than it actually has been. Seem all the "good movies" have that rating. But I'm finding that isn't so. The past month or two, I have seen several very good shows that carried no higher than a PG-13. Seven Pounds. Valkyrie. (not as good as I expected, but it was good) Taken. And last night, Sera and I watched Marley and me. I was crying like a baby at the end!! Great shows. And while some still had some bad language and "inappropriate situations" they were very minor insignificant and small parts of the show. They weren't the underlying theme as they seem to be in many R rated movies, which seem to be sex, profanity, and violence for the sake of sex, profanity and violence.

One thing I've yet to do, that really seems to be the most challenging for me, is to get rid of the R rated movies I own! First, cause they are good movies, all in all, and also because of the financial interest I have. I PAID for them!! LOl. But I'll work up to it.

Point of all this, friends, is I am taking steps, albeit small steps, to improve myself. To grow closer to my Father in Heaven. And to feel better about myself. And to be worthy at all times in all places to hold this priesthood I consider myself so blessed to have.

Next week, I'll have the opportunity to stand in as a good friend confirms his son a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What an honor. How I love him and his wife, also a dear friend, for wanting me to participate. How heartbreaking if I had to say "thanks for asking. But I don't think I should."

I know some of you may find all of it a bit fanatical and "overly serious" but I do appreciate that you support my efforts, agreed to or not. I love you all. Thanks for standing by me, even when ya think I'm crazy! :)

Doughnuts, diet coke, double cheeseburgers, ex-wife’s and bad dreams.

I didn’t even realize it until reading over my last couple of blogs tonight, but I have a unique angle when I write. I tend to use multiple subjects which, at first, may seem rather random and unrelated.  Then, toward the end of my rant, I attempt to bring everything together into one meaningful common element that, hopefully, makes more sense to my reader than the seemingly unrelated random babble I began with. In that spirit,  I give you today’s random rant.

This morning I had an appointment with the physical therapist. The fuel gauge was well below empty so I made a quick stop at Maverick on the way. Walking into the store to pay for my recent purchase of an all too expensive petroleum product (gasoline, for the layman) I happened by the doughnut shelve. They had maple bars! Love maple bars! Hadn’t had one in ages. Now, I’m trying to lose a few pounds and am also trying to get into shape for a 5k run in March. The spirit is strong, but the flesh, oh so week and all too often uncooperative with the former. Often is the time I think “damn, it looks so good! Just one can’t hurt. I’ll start over tomorrow.”

Needless to say, I grabbed the maple bar. Here’s the next problem. Maple bars make me thirsty. Ahh, a diet coke would certainly be refreshing! Yep. Got that, too.  Very tasty on-the-go snack. Off to therapy. Which lasted about an hour and a half. By this time, I’m thinking lunch.  My sensible side is thinking, well, we have some tuna fish and bread and lettuce at home. I could make a sandwich and have a nice cold glass of milk. Yes sir. I COULD do that. But, uh, well, McDonalds is right there and, boy, a double quarter pounder with cheese just sound so good!! Any guesses what I had for lunch? “hello, Ronald!” says I to an old friend who happens to have bright orange curly hair and big ole clown shoes.

 

Last night, I had a dream that left me feeling rather hollow and empty. It started out with me and a very dear friend in a theater together. I can’t remember exactly if it was a movie, a play or what, but we were in a theater together. Having a great time.  All of a sudden I turn for a moment. When I look back, my dear friend has become my ex-wife. Ex wife number 2. I have actually been seeing her in my dreams on a regular basis of late and I’m not sure why. But I digress. We are in a theater. By good friend, who just turned into my wife, oops, ex wife, and I are laughing. Holding hands. Smiling at one another. It was a happy moment.

Then we leave the theater. Arm in arm my best friend-turned former wife who apparently I am still with in the dream, and I. When I realize I left my jacket in the theater. I smile as I tell her I will return shortly to her side once it is retrieved.

Now, back in the theater. Just myself and a bunch of strangers. Oh, and an angry man with a gun threatening to kill people if any one try’s to get out. I had no choice for the good of myself and those strangers but to pull out my own gun (oh, ya. Now I have gun in my dream) and blow this a—holes head off. Which I do. And its a disturbingly graphic scene for a dream. That’s how it ends.

Any interpreters in my fan base of few out there?

Here’s what I have: Weather she deserves it or not, I believe a small part of me will always love that women I have tried so hard for so long to say I no longer give a damn about.  Perhaps its the “lonely for too long” situation that’s causing these dreams which, as the marriage, always seem to end in tragedy. As for the friend who became the ex. I suppose there are a couple ways that could be interpreted. Perhaps I have allowed myself to care for her so deeply that, on some subconscious level, I expect her and maybe, everyone I care for to eventually hurt and abandon me. Just as ex wife no 2 did. Am I unworthy of the love and companionship of a good women?  Who knows. Perhaps the answer will come to me in a dream.

For now, my weary, troubled, heart-sick soul will simply suffice with this. Perhaps it’s human nature. Perhaps, for some unknown reason, as human beings, we are just naturally drawn in some way toward things we may now very well are bad for us. Yet, for some damn reason appealing just the same. Weather it be doughnuts, diet coke, double cheeseburgers, or bad relationship choices. I’m human. I’ve made mistakes. I thought I had moved on. Maybe I was wrong.

Does that all tie in ok together? Can I tell a story or what?